Forgive, but NEVER Forget.

So,

I met you at my school’s cafe and I had never seen you before a day in my life.  As I was walking up the steps you rushed up behind me, grabbed my hand and walked with me up the steps.  You scared the sh*t out of me.  I did not know who you were so I was totally taking off guard.  But you seemed nice so after you asked me, I gave you my number.

Now usually after I give a guy my number, they usually say, “okay well I will text you when I get home or I will be hitting you up later.” It is usually somewhere along those lines, but not this time.

After I gave him my number, I continued to walk to my dorm and go about my business.  He then turns around and says, “where you going? I wanna talk to you… I will take you to your dorm.”  So I turn my exhausted tail around and walked and talked to him.  He had so much energy and he was talking so fast, I remember trying to process everything that he was saying but it was hard.  As I am sitting in his car and listening to him talk about himself and explaining his whole life story to me, I just began to pray to God that he does not kidnap me.  He starts to ask questions about me and then starts complimenting me and for a minute I was comfortable with this guy.  Then he grabs my hand and kisses it, I did not see that coming at all.  I immediately thought to myself, oh my god… he just wants to f*ck.  That was strike one.  So I tried to kind of ease my way from him a little so he could get my hint that nothing was going down.

As he is driving, I notice that he has passed my dorm and he stops in this church parking lot.  I am thinking to myself, this is not Brawley Hall.  That was strike two.  So as we are in this parking lot, we are talking and talking and he starts to get a little touchy feely.  It was kind of hard to resist because he was low-key cute.  But I told him that nothing was happening and he was okay with that.  But you know how some guys are, they will keep trying (especially when you are this hard to resist, *flips hair* aha) … But as we are kissing, he keeps trying to get me in the back seat of his car, in my head I am thinking, strike three.  I was also trying to weigh my options in my head just in case something happened and I had to fight him off me.  He would definitely hurt me worse because he was bigger, a lot bigger, like 6’2 bigger.  Then I thought, I could not get out the car and run because it was way too dark and I was so far from my dorm.  I had to just sit there, sit there and take it.

But nothing happened, I over analyzed.  We started back talking and he started making all these promises to me and in my head I am thinking I know this guy is lying, like he got to be just talking.  He is like, I am going to pick you up tomorrow and we are going to go to the mall, go to dinner, anywhere you wanna go and at the time I had a nose stud, and he had nose piercing, and he is like, “oh you got to be like me, I will get you a nose ring.” At the time, I really wanted a nose ring, but I was not pressed to get one, I just never had time to actually go get me one.  So he was low-key getting my hopes up but at the same time still thinking he just chatting.  He then asks me was I talking to anyone and I said maybe and he goes and says well, “you have to give me a chance, none of these guys out here gone treat you the way I can” He’s like, “I am a grown a** man and I have my sh*t together, you ain’t gotta worry about nothing” … A couple of hours later, he ended up taking me back to my room.

The next day, we talked and I had forgot all about them promises but he kept every single last one of them, and he made sure of it. 

Days go by and I realized that we have argued so much as if we had been together for 3 years.  Keep in mind it has only been like 3 days.  Every other sentence was an argument. I had never argued with a person this much in my life. 

One day, I am at the cafe with my best friend and she asks me about who I had been talking too.  I would have told her the night I met him but I did not think it would last and plus I forgot how to say and pronounce his name.  He ended up calling me and he corrects me because I obviously had said it wrong and I immediately tell her.  She looks at me in this shocked facial expression and says “WHO?” I tell her again and then she goes about telling me a story about him and how she knew him.  I said, “you sure that is him?” And she says B*tch its only one nigga named ***** aha … I was silent because she was right.  I did not know what to do, but I definitely kept my eye open for any of his foolishness.

Me and him, were hanging out, every weekend almost, and it felt kind of good.  I did not really like him like that at first, I just really enjoyed his company and even though we argued everyday it was fun.  One night we had a really big argument and I just wanted him to take me back to my room, I did not even want to be around him anymore.  I texted him I was done and that was that, he did not believe me, and quite frankly, I did not even believe it myself.  He ended up calling me and we worked it out, then he picked me up that night.

We did so many things and went everywhere almost… We went to the movies like a million times, we even went to a dine-in movie because I had never been, and of course he falls asleep.  That was the night he asked me to be his girlfriend.  And as a matter fact, every movie we went to he fell asleep, except Black Panther and Avengers, but everything else, knocked slam out.  And everywhere we went it was always in Buckhead because he was too boujie for anyplace else aha.  The only place he never took me too but he KNEW I wanted to go was the Ferris Wheel. We would drive by it EVERY day and he KNEW I wanted to get on it.  And even though I was petrified I wanted to go, he was trying to be funny aha

The arguments stopped and I genuinely began to like him.  It was so weird.  He also started to open up to me more, and tell me about some of the issues he had been dealing with.  He did not tell me everything though, and I was not expecting him too because in some ways he was like me, private.  I kept the fact that I was still talking to him from my best friend because I thought she would judge me.  And I personally did not want to be judged, I liked him and he loved himself some Tresha.  At times he would feel some type of way when I would not tell people that we were “talking or a thing”… I just felt like it was not everyone’s business.

It was not always good though, and even though the arguments stopped, I felt as if he was getting a little too comfortable with the fact that we were somewhat a “thing” now. One night, as I am getting out his car, he gets a text message and it says “wifey” … I try to act like I did not see it because technically we were not together but we were together and I still wanted to know the situation, especially since we had been messing around.

So I am angry and he knows it.  He goes on about saying it is just a random girl that saved her name in his phone as that.  I did not believe it, but I got over it.

Spring break was around the corner and I wanted to hang with the girls but I also wanted to hang with him.  I ended up hanging with the girls then was going to see him afterwards.  However, the plans changed when I got drunk.  I had to be at the train station at 9 in the morning and I did not get back in til 5:30 am… I was so tired.  Plus, I had not packed anything.  Well I did not see him that night because we got into an argument at the kickback I was at.  Well, not so much me, but my best friend and him did aha.  I was too drunk to even grasp what was happening.  I just remember her saying, “I AM HER BEST FRIEND, AND I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU ARE NOT HER BOYFRIEND!!!” That was hilarious to me.  I was just thinking to myself, this nigga is probably mad as hell right now.  After that night, I just knew he would never speak to me again.

The morning I woke up; I had missed my alarm by 45 minutes.  By the grace of God, I made it to the station with 10 minutes to spare.

We did not talk at all over break, and I was missing him.  So I called him, well I called him then hung up extremely fast so that he would have a missed call from me … (I know, petty right aha)

He called me back and we talked it out.  He said he missed me and was feeling very bothered that we had not been talking.

A few days later I started to feel sick and have really bad pelvis pain.  Turns out, I had a UTI.  I took some over the counter medicine but after a few days it got worse.

I returned back at school, and me and him were back at it again.

My UTI got worse, and I just had to go see a nurse, so I went to the health center and they prescribed me some medicine.

A couple of weeks later, I received a phone call from the health center saying they needed me to come in because it was urgent.  I asked them why and all she could tell me was that she wanted me to see my X-rays.  I was like okay, sure then she said it was $20 to get the X-rays and at that moment that suddenly became not important to me.

One night, he calls me and says lets go to the beach!  At the time, I was trying to prepare for finals and finish taking all my final tests, but I could not resist hanging out with him.  I really loved being around him, and even though he got on my nerves 24/7 he was cool aha.  So I went and no we did not even go to the beach.  We ended up driving 3 freaking hours just to stay with his sister.  That night, we messed around, but I think it went a little too far.  But I did not pay it any mind.  I had 3 test the next day and I missed all 3 of them.  I was so irritated with him because he was supposed to have me back by then but he lied to me about the whole situation.  The only reason why we went down there was so that he could make money and he ended up losing every penny of it so we did not leave til like 2 that afternoon. 

I was so frustrated because now I had to figure out how I was gone make up these tests.

By the grace of God, I was able to take all of the 3 tests the next week.

I was still receiving phone calls from the health center, and I was still ignoring them.  I was low-key avoiding them because I was low-key nervous to hear what they had to say.  

Another incident happened where he had put something on his social media that I thought was very disrespectful.  He had basically put that he liked polygamy and that he was in a polygamous relationship.  In my head I am thinking, with who????? Cause its sure in hell is not me!!  I immediately confront him and there he goes lying again … “Oh baby, it is just something for my sister” … NIGGGAAAA PLEASSSEEEE.  

So I did not believe him and I was mad for a minute but I got over it like I always do.  Plus, it was about to be the summer time and I knew I was leaving soon anyways.

So everything’s going good, and he calls me and says he has something for me.  I go to the car and it is a cross necklace.  It was really beautiful.

On the last few days, it was literally my best friend and I every day.  I told her about how the health center kept trying to get in contact with me and she said that I needed to go because what if it was something serious.  I still did not go.

A few days later… I get a text message saying look on Instagram.  At the time I am on the phone with a friend and I just start yelling “WHAT THE F*CK” … I look on his friends Instagram and this nigga at the pool with 2 strippers butt a** naked.  At this point, I am fed up.

I call him up, but it was like I could not even tell him why I was mad.  I was completely silent.  It was like if I told him why I was mad, I know he would try to make it seem as if I was crazy.  So, I just left it alone.  Everything he got me went in the trash, including the necklace.  Buttttt I took the necklace out because I figured someone else could use it.  Plus, it was just too pretty. 

It was only a week left in school and I honestly did not care anymore, I needed to finish finals and start packing to leave anyways.

May 1st hit, then May 7th, it had been 7 days, no period.

I was scared, but I just kept saying to myself that it was not what I thought it was.

My family came to get me and I remember calling my sister and telling her that I had not got my period yet.  She started to panic but I told her not to because my mom was in the car with her.

It was the last few days in Atlanta before heading home, and I had a good weekend, went out, drank a little, shopped a little and just had an overall good time.

The last day though, I started to feel very nauseous.

On mother’s day, I gave my mom the necklace.  I also took a pregnancy test, it was positive.  

As I am writing this, I started to cry.  That was a really hard day for me, and what was worse, my mom knew absolutely nothing about it.

I did not know what to do, all I knew was that my mom could not find out.  So me and my sister kept it a secret.  We talked and started to discuss my options and what I wanted to do.  I already had made up my mind and it was final.  I started to feel worse and worse and worse.  Morning sickness turned into ALL DAY sickness, literally.  I could not even get out the bed.  I had no energy.

Something told me to check my email, and I found an email from the health center.  The email dated back to April 8th.  In the email it told me to sign into my portal to read the urgent message.  It basically read that they had found something unusual while checking my x-rays.

I had been pregnant for a whole month and I did not even know it.

My mom still did not know but she knew something was off about me.  Mothers know everything ya know…

Ole boy ended up calling me, and I wanted to tell him the news.  But, all he could do was ask for money.  I had not spoken to him, and he could not even ask me how I was doing.  I just hung up the phone.

He called me again the next day, and I told him.  He said he would support whatever decision I made but we both know what decision I was going to make.

My body started changing, boobs got bigger, stomach got a lil rounder, skin started clearing up… had not left the house in weeks…

I finally told my mom, while we were arguing and just started crying…

There was just no way I could bring a child into this world and I not be able to take care of my child financially, and on my own.  I just could not allow that, and I refuse to have someone else raise them.  So I did what I thought was the best decision, FOR ME. 

Honestly, the hardest thing was going to the doctor’s appointment alone because I did not want anyone to know.  No mom, no sister, no one.  I did not even give them an emergency contact number.  The doctor comes in and smiles and yells, “Congratulations! You’re pregnant!”  She gave me a paper with the due date on it and I could not even smile, I just tried holding back my tears because I just always imagined this moment a whole other way.  With family, friends, and most importantly, the baby’s father.  What supposed to be a beautiful moment, turned out to be one of the worse. 

You probably think I am one of the awful people now for my decision.  I do too at times.  This has honestly been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I know my God is a forgiving God.  But damn, this has been hard.

I just want to say thank you to the people that was by my side because it has not been easy.  At times, I found myself thinking of baby names, and doing the baby poses in the mirror, I suddenly had to get myself together again.  I was almost 9 weeks pregnant, and I could feel its heartbeat.  I would have been a great mom; I know I would have.  I would have giving them the world, or at least tried too.  But I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am not perfect.  Everyone makes mistakes but I also know that repeated mistakes are not mistakes anymore, they are decisions. 

I could blame all this on ole boy, but it was not just his fault.  I do wish sometimes that I would have never given him my number.  Throughout this process, he was not there for me at all.  Even though I was always there for him.  When he was sick, when he was going through mess with his family, when he was having money problems, I always came through.  When he called me, he would try to fake as if he cared about how I was doing when all he really cared about was whether or not I had the procedure.

It is crazy man, I did not even like him.  But now, I love him.  And I hate it.

The procedure is done.

He calls and texts me now saying how he wants us to talk more, and how he loves me…NIGGGAAA GTFOH.

He knows I am going back to school soon and he thinks that we just are about to go back to the same ole same ole… YOU THOUGHT.

As much as I care about him, I cannot do that anymore.  And at times it is so easy to just give in to him and he knows I always do but I guess my actions will have to speak louder than my words.

I mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually just cannot do it anymore.  Not with him.

So that is where I am at now… the procedure is still finishing up and a couple weeks has passed and every day I think about my decision.  I know for a fact; I will not be doing this again.  I do not care what the situation is.

I am at a point now where I am just trying to build Tresha back up and get her back to the place she once was at and forgive myself.  Every day is a new day, and thank God every day.

 

Ladies,

I cannot sit here and tell you not to judge me because I was that girl that frowned my nose at people for getting abortions, but I was not in their situation to understand.  Now, I do.  So please understand that I am not here to tell you what is right and what is wrong because I would be a hypocrite.  But what I can tell you is that whatever it is that you are going through, God loves you and you are not alone.  God also forgives.  HE LOVES YOU.  Just talk to him and be real and honest with him.  He already knows what you have done, he knew what you were planning to do before you even did it.  Now, you just have to go to him and ask to be forgiven and you have to believe in your heart that he will forgive you.  And even though there is no limit to God’s grace and forgiveness, we have to learn from our mistakes.  God wants us to have eternal life, so let’s do right by him.

 

Ole boy,

You probably will never read this… but a couple of days ago you told me that no matter what we will always be connected and that we would always love each other.

And you are right, but just because I will love a person, does not mean I have to be with them, ever again.  So I will be loving you from a distance.  I pray that you get help, because you need it, all jokes aside.  And I will be worrying about you, like I always do but I will also always be praying, like always do.  So you will be fine.  You are a grown man.  I know you need me though, which scares me.   Because I cannot be that girl for you, and I am okay with that.  Also, I know you are going through a lot of mess, and we do not talk like we used too but I hope you find someone that you can open up too and let go of everything that has been hurting you.  I hope that you get your life together and start talking to God more.  I know you are not happy by the way you are living your life, and if you are then I cannot do anything but pray for ya.  You could have talked to me though; I would not have judged you.  I just wish that you were there for me.  And it’s sad to say but it’s like you did not even care for me.  Which is crazy because for a minute, I was all you had.  When things got hard on my end though, you went ghost.  Then you pop back up when it was beneficial for you.  Nah, bruh.  I do not know if this is how you thought you were being, but this is how it came across, and since we have yet to have a conversation, I am taking this sh*t personal, PERIOD.  I know that you asked for money a couple weeks back, and I did not give it to you, because you know what I was trying to do.  And I never asked you for anything, I was a good girl to you and you know it.  And I do not know if you were scared to reach out to me or what, but I am done making excuses.  I just need someone that is going to bring me peace, and who is going to stick by my side when it gets real.  That is all I asked for.  And hopefully, you will learn to never take a loyal person for granted, because once they stop caring, that’s it.  You have lost them forever.  But I will always have love for you sir, remember that. 

 

Best friend, twin, soul sister, my Tori,

Thank you for loving me.  You saw what I was trying not to see and I thank you for always being there for me.  I have not told you any of this, because I wanted to tell you in person.  And at times I wanted to call you and tell you but I did not know how to.  It seemed like everything was going so good for you and I did not want to ruin that.  But I love you more than you will ever know, and I always got you.

 

Tresha,

Do not be blinded by love sweetheart, you are amazing, worthy, loving, deserving, and someone special will come along and he is going to blow your mind, in a good way aha.  Just be patient, and trust God.  I love you girl.  

 

Well, I hope you ladies have learned something, and put yourself in my shoes.  I also hope that you were inspired.

Oh we are getting real now, and ladies, we are just getting started.

I love you all so much.

 

And remember, God got you and everything he does is for a purpose.

He loves you with his whole heart.

Tresh ♥

 

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FORGIVE AND FORGET Cont’d.

So I grew up without a father figure in my life, and it wasn’t hard but it wasn’t easy.  My mom taught me everything, literally.  (Lord knows I love my mama!)  But it was very difficult growing up, and I would always find myself comparing myself to my friends who had a dad in their life.  Now, my dad is still alive and well, I just don’t have a relationship with him.  I have tried numerous times, but sometimes you just get to a point in your life and become tired of trying.  Matter fact, the last time we spoke in person was almost 2 years ago and it lasted probably 20 minutes.  Before that, I hadn’t seen or heard from him in 3 years, keep in mind he stayed 10 minutes from me. 

By the way, this is not a post to hurt you dad in any way, but to express how I feel.

LETTER TO MY “FATHER”

I wish that I could call you, and just ask how’s your day is going.  I wish that you would call me and ask about mine.  I wish you knew the things I were allergic too, I wish you knew my favorite movie, maybe we’d have the same one.  I wish that you could have been there at graduation, my dance competitions/recitals/festivals.  I remember me looking out in the audience after every performance to see if you were going to show up, you never did.  And you knew about them because I would tell you.  I wish that you were there when I moved to college, and helped me move in.  I wish you were there when I first had my heartbroken.. & beating up every guy that tried me, cause they be TRYING ME.  I wanted relationship advice and those talks about guys and having a boyfriend.  I wanted you there saying “you not having a boyfriend til you’re 50.”  Man, I just wanted you there… I want to tell you about everything that I have done and accomplished, and I know that you would be so proud of me.  I want to tell you my life goals and dreams and I want to know what you think.  It was always so hard when my mom would say to me “you have your dad’s laugh” (if you know me, you know that my laugh is OUT OF THIS WORLD) or “you have your dad’s goofy personality” .. man it was so hard.  

But, I forgive you and I love you and I know that you love me.  And even though we don’t talk I know that it is going to be okay because I know that one day we will.  One day I’ll be able to call you just because.  And if you think I don’t want to talk to you that’s not the case either.  I have just learned not to keep putting myself in situations and then getting let down all over again.  

Ladies,

I know it gets hard and I know that it hurts.  And you probably tried to the throw the situation under the bus like “I don’t need him in my life, I’m doing just fine without him.” And yes sis you are, but every once in awhile I know it crosses your mind.  And I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone.  And yes, I’m doing great but I could be better.

 

Remember babygirl, God got you and everything he does is for a purpose.

He loves you with his whole heart

Tresh ♥

 

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CHAPTER ONE: FORGIVE AND FORGET

Let’s just take it back a few months… okay, more like a few years.  So in the beginning of my junior year in high school I started dating my best friend.  (You probably thinking “really Tresh, high school? That wasn’t even love)  But seriously you guys, I loved him.  Now at first, I could not see myself with him only because he was like my best friend.  And you know what they say, once you start dating your best friend and if it doesn’t work out it ruins the friendship as a whole.  I didn’t want that to happen.  But I gave it a shot and I was happy.  He made me feel comfortable, in a way.  Too comfortable, actually.  Too comfortable to were I couldn’t speak up for myself when problems occurred.  

I remember one time, we were out at a restaurant with all of our friends and basically everyone were asking us “couple” questions.  And right before we get in the restaurant he was already upset with me over something so extremely petty.  So I knew at that point this whole entire evening would be a disaster.  But that was an understatement.  It was one of the worse days of my life.  

I remember every word that was said like it was yesterday, however, to keep it short let’s just say he basically disrespected and embarrassed me in front of everyone.  I remember sitting in the passenger seat staring out the window the whole entire ride home.  I couldn’t even look at him.  But also I didn’t want him to see me tearing up.  I kept the tears in as long as I could but as soon as I stepped foot in the door, the tears came down like a waterfall.  I just kept asking myself, “how could he do this?”… I was his girl, and a damn good one.  

After about a week of not speaking I finally spoke to him and let him have it.  I was not playing either sis.  I was so hurt and even though it was hard I had to forgive him and forget.  

Honestly now as I’m writing this I know that I have changed and grown so much.  To sit at any table and let a man disrespect me would be unlike me.  I know what I am worth, and I know that I am an amazing person and that if a man really loves me like they say they do, they would not put me in ANY position to hurt me.

So I’m saying all of this to say I know that we may get hurt in certain situations, and yes they can be extremely painful and we feel like that there is absolutely no way to get through it.  But we have to forgive and forget in order to move on, because if we don’t we’ll still let those situations continue to hurt us, over and over again.

God wants us to have a forgiving heart.

He forgives us so why can’t we forgive each other?

Dear Ex,

We don’t speak now, but I pray that God covers you wherever you go.  And I know that when we last spoke in person, it wasn’t good.  But I’m not mad, I forgive you.

 

Always remember babygirl, God got you and everything he does is for a purpose.

He loves you with his whole heart

Tresh ♥

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THE BEGINNING

I finally did it you guys.  I MADE MY FIRST BLOG. 

Let me just start off by saying that I was supposed to start this blog a LONG time ago.  However, you ladies know how it is when we like to put things off to the side.  Or say to ourselves, I’ll just start it tomorrow or next week.  Or maybe next month because we all of a sudden have “extra” things in our lives to do lol.  

But no, on a serious note, I’m really excited about this blog you guys.  I want this blog to be a safe haven for every woman who visits here.  I’ll be pouring out my heart to you all! And that’s real.  Everything that I have been through and everything that I have learned in the process, I’ll be letting it out all to you guys.  Holding nothing back.  You may laugh, feel inspired, get encouraged, hell, you might even shed a few tears.  But ladies, I just hope and pray that you take something from what I going to give you.  Take it and apply to your everyday lives so that you do not make the same mistakes.  I want you guys to leave here, and feel blessed to be a woman.  Lord knows it’s not easy. 

Remember babygirl, God got you and everything he does is for a purpose.

He loves you with his whole heart

Tresh ♥

 

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